Thursday, 29 December 2011

A Rainy Day in Wales

I'm currently in the ever lovely, but currently cold and rainy, Llandrindod Wells. So, to entertain myself I've been watching videos of the fantastic Dry The River - who's much awaited album comes out in March next year - and I'd I thought I'd share this more obscure of their masterpieces, courtesy of ZUBB Sessions. As always, it's amazing.


Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Post Christmas Musings

So, recently Christmas occurred, which was nice, but that isn't the topic of this post. No, today's post is dedicated to art of paper folding, or, to use the flashier name, origami. I've long been a fan of origami and my personal favourite paper construction has always been the sampan. More recently I've been inspired by a certain George Gregson over at Pistons&Pianos to learn to fold the classic origami crane:


And all was well and good for a while; I felt liked I'd achieved a certain level of origami expertise. That was until I discovered the god of paper that is Brian Chan. Chan uses just a single sheet of paper to create intricate and beautiful origami creations that make my folding ability look like that of a drunken infant. 

This time-lapsed video gives you an idea of his supreme level of paper manipulation:








Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Rainy Night in a Port-a-loo

The noises I can hear resemble those of a waterfall cascading onto a wafer-thin plastic (or thereabouts) roof. That's a largely accurate description of my uni residence. The rain is quite literally deafening, and chances of sleeping are looking low, with a moderate scattering of insomnia coming in from the East. Anyway, whilst today has been largely unproductive, and I am yet again perhaps a tad sleep deprived (3 and a half hours is plenty, right?) I have discovered several new and varyingly wonderful things. This morning - afternoon is probably the technical term - I stumbled across this little gem by Edinburgh group Meursault, for which I again have the ever-splendid Le Blogotheque to thank:


I don't know what it is, but I have a real fondness for Scottish indie rock

My second discovery of the day, was the equally lovely The Wilderness of Manitoba, courtesy of my flatmate Theo, who has also made a rather legitimate video for their song Orono Park:


(A longer version featuring the band can be found here)


My final discovery may prove less interesting, but I was nevertheless impressed that my relatively prehistoric mobile phone (with real push buttons) can run Skype Lite (download here). How very post-telephone.


Saturday, 10 December 2011

Laziness

It's dark outside, my room is ridiculously hot, and I can't be bothered to move.
Anyway, I thought I'd share Bon Iver's incredible For Emma acapella recording, courtesy of the terrific Le Blogotheque. Bon écouter.



Thursday, 8 December 2011

Fear of Sleep

Recently sleep has been unhealthily low on my list of priorities. This is mainly because I consistently fail to be organised in terms of work (the uni way, right?) and often find myself staying up so late that it becomes early again and the sun reappears. As a result, I'm now a bit of an insomniac.

Anyway, my sleeping patterns are not the focus of this post; my intention of this post is much rather to announce that I will now be posting a lot more music on this blog, because music is fucking excellent, and it gives this blog more of a purpose: maybe I'll post a song a day, maybe a song a week? We'll see. Of course, I'll still be writing barely-literate bullshit from time-to-time as well.

So, I thought I'd thought I'd get things going with a lovely bit of the ever-wonderful Dry The River (releasing their long-awaited LP Shallow Bed on March 5th next year), brought to you by the equally fantastic ZUBB Sessions. Enjoy.



Sunday, 4 December 2011

3 A.M. Musings on Student Life and Buddhist Books

I always find my mind racing during the middle of the night (or should that be morning?). This is probably because I'm at university, and an early night is anytime before the sun comes up again. This is probably also because I associate the no-man's-land time of 12 p.m. to 6 a.m. with hurried late night assignments. Anyway, either way, their is something oddly relaxing about late-night keyboard meanderings.

The other day, whilst voyaging down the goliath hill into the fine city of Winchester, my fellow roommates and I were approached by a rather eager man in a hat. 
"Have you three gentlemen got thirty seconds to spare?" He enquired.
A brief mumbling of "Oh god, shall we just walk on?" "Quick, leg it!" and "Umm, maybe...?" and we had been successfully apprehended and roped into whatever bullshit scam this mid-town encounter would turn out to be. After asking each of us if we had ever experienced "being stressed" he popped the killer question.
"Have any of you ever met a monk"
Another mumbling of "no, not really" and "ummmmms" later, and he was pulling off his hat, brandishing his shining, short-shaved head. Arhhh of course. The monk card, he's playing the monk card.

And that was it. Two minutes later and we were all proudly parading our VEDA: Secrets of the East hardbacks like lemon-Colas in a dessert. We had found enlightenment. Inner harmony. Self-determination. At least, I think that's he he had described it...

NOTE: I've nothing against Buddhism; I find it a highly palatable religion, my only gripe is with religion being sold to me for £2 (in fairness it was "for charity") when I only have £4.20 in my pocket and a diminishing level of rations in my kitchen cupboard.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Uni: the the 'i' is for inebriation.

So, it's been fucking ages since I blogged, and I thought I might change that. So, what's been happening? Well, I've been livin' it up at university. It's a lot of fun, and consists largely of drinking, meeting loads of new people, drinking, partying, drinking, going to lectures drunk, drinking, spending too much money on bottles of Budweiser, drinking, cooking mediocre food, drinking, being hungover, and drinking. To be honest, everything is a bit of a blur, a fun blur, but a blur nonetheless.

Coincidently, I'm studying Creative Writing, which so far has been comprised of seminars naming pebbles, and watching Jaws. On the subject of Jaws (which I've watched once whilst hungover), for those of you who've seen it I think my favourite quote has to be during the Town Meeting scene in which Police Chief Brody announces that the beach must be closed to protect to the public from the big bad shark, to which there is an uproar from the townspeople whom fear they will lose valuable tourist custom if the beach is closed. The town mayer consequently assures everyone that "It'll only be closed for 24 hours" (or something along those lines), following this an unnamed member of the throng of island-dwellers pipes up: "24 hours is like 3 weeks!"Nice.

I've also, more importantly, invested in a Ukulele, which is arguably the greatest instrumental feat achieved by mankind to date. Everything just sounds so happy on a uke, and it's bar far the best accompaniment to add-lib lyrics (drunk or otherwise) around. I was partly inspired to buy a uke after hearing a fantastic cover of the Osama bin Laden song originally by Frank Skinner, and in my opinion the wittiest thing he has ever done. Whilst at uni me and a few housemates have written the soon-to-be-hugely-famous Toasty Song, we'll get a recording of that down soon to flog to the masses.

I leave you with two things: the first is that Grouplove's new album Never Trust A Happy Song is VERY GOOD, I think my favourite song from the album may be Spun.
The second is a short story by Samuel Beckett which I recently read as part of the Penguin Book of Modern British Short Stories, called Ping. Probably one of the most avant-guarde pieces of ridiculousness I've ever read.




Monday, 5 September 2011

Some Musings on Summer and Things

Yet again, this year has been unreasonably brief (well, this year so far). It does certainly seem that the pace of life increases exponentially as I get older, and this year has been no exception; I've finished A-Levels and soon I'll be packing off to uni. Profound. Anyway, this summer has been generous in it's offerings - I've travelled far and wide (Cornwall and Wales..) and attended a renowned piss up in a field (Reading Festival). I've played a sell-out gig (perhaps just 'out' is a better adjective)

Thursday, 4 August 2011

RE: Queue Feature

For those of you who read my post on 'The Queue Feature', I have started a blog dedicated to raising awareness for the Queue Feature. Because I am that cool.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Morning View From A Hammock



There's nothing quite like the view from a hammock on a fine summer's day. Rocking to and fro in the early morning breeze (if I haven't had lunch, it's still the morning), as red kites swoop through the apple tree canopies. I thought I'd convey this through the medium of fine panorama photography, incidentally, more outstanding photography can be found on my latest blog collaboration: Fucking Amazing Photography.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

I want a queue feature.

Whilst indulging in the absence of full time education, I've spent a significant time partaking in a spot of summer sport, continuing to drink unhealthy quantities of coffee (and alcohol), and generally just lounging around being a lazy self-important musician and blogger on my new MacBook (incidentally, the first one Apple ever made).
 
In this time, I have also become teetotal from spirits, recorded a new song, and discovered what may in fact be the greatest song in the world, ever (well, this summer maybe). Oh, and I've found some of the most visually uninteresting art a computer screen has to offer (although the concept behind it is actually quite fascinating - the central idea it is that eventually every square will turn black, and, in the process, recognisable shapes and images will appear - however it's going to take about 6 billion years for the just second line to be completed, so don't hold your breath waiting...)

Anyway, on to the main topic of this post: I want a queue feature. In iTunes. You see, the thing about iTunes is, it's aesthetically simpatico, it's a decent way to manage music, and it's just the best way to play music on a Mac. Or Windows. Or really anything else it will run on. Despite this, it is severely lacking. 'How can this be?', you may ask, having just read some utterly unbiased and well supported points. Well, iTunes lacks that one all important feature: a queue feature. Sure, I can build playlists, and even smart playlists, but sometimes I just want to queue a song. And yes, if I really care, I can even get an iTunes script (yes, for those of you who haven't heard, if you're a true iTunes geek you can use iTunes scripts). But scripts or not, I want a queue feature - Spotify has one, even Windows Media Player has one. So, I've asked Apple for one in the hope that they'll realise what they're missing out on, add a queue feature, and hire me as some sort of Apple inventor genius. If you'd like a queue feature too, drop Apple a line - together we'll make the queue feature a reality. I'm just trying to change the world, one queue feature at a time. 

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Coffee Is The New Sleep

For those of you that haven't heard, and my blog is riddled with this point, - coffee is the new sleep. I mean really. Although, actually, I do prefer sleep. Anyway, when there is much revision to done, and very little time to do it (which is a situation I seem to inexplicably find myself in a lot at the moment), coffee creates time. I think I'm averaging about 5 cups a day at the moment, plus some tea, I would surely drink more but that requires the effort of moving and turning kettles on etc. Also running. Running in the morning seems to be an ample way to wake ones'-self up - especially when coupled with coffee, and cycling, and coffee.

Moving on, more important this week is the release of Bon Iver's second album. It's amazing. But not as amazing as For Emma, Forever Ago. Which is really amazing. That's not to say, however, that Bon Iver (as the album is so aptly named) is less good. It's probably just as good, but different. In the same way as  I prefer Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, to his Reqiem (although it's very powerful) stuff (yep, pretentious musical references), I prefer Bon Iver's first masterpiece to his latest offering. I should mention though that I have only heard the album in its entirety once, I was very tired when I listened to it, and I'm going deaf in one ear. Taking all these factors into consideration, the album may come to grow on me as much as For Emma. But that is a really good album.

Also a good album, is Death Cab For Cutie's Codes and Keys; I'm listening to it as I type this sentence.

Now, some stuff on David Cameron. Old Cameron's realised that people don't want murderers and rapists getting sentence discounts for admitting they're guilty, and as such, is embarking the Cameron-Clegg Coalition (I really think the Clegg part is a bit misleading - makes him sound like he's involved in leading and decision making, or something) on a sizable U-turn. I mean, I don't really see the point in all this prison discount-buy-one-get-one-free-50%-off malarky, - if the offence is serious, and I'm talking actually life-changing, properly messed up stuff, then giving a discount just isn't right - you don't return to the car park to find your car being stolen, only to allow the offender to keep half of it if he owns up to the deed. One of the Milliband's, not David, the other one, has declared the move "another example of this government not being in touch, and making proposals that they then have to abandon" which I largely agree with. That said, the subject of an 'out of touch government' is an ample-sized elephant in the room, and not in any way an insightful Mr Limp-handshake Miliband observation.

On another note, Codes and Keys has finished, and I have a bounty of music revision to attend to; I'll probably end up doing one of these things with regards to revision:

(inevitably the latter).

Monday, 13 June 2011

Coffee #1

Coffee brewed
Coffee stewed
Till morning
Till noon
Till evening
Till Moon
Never does the time
Not fit the beverage
And never does the
Beverage
Fit ill
The time
For coffee, is
Nigh

Amply demonstrated by the repetion of the concept of the beverage 'coffee', contrasted against various times of day, is the relationship between the writer and the beverage. Coffee.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Bon Fucking IVER.

Well, literally some things have occurred since I last 'blogged', I'll try and string them together into some sort of prose. First of all, Bon Iver (manned by Justin Vernon) have unveiled their new masterpiece. It's obviously amazing. But it wasn't recorded in a hut. Which is a shame.
In other news, I have finished school. Forever. Which is just mental.

I'm reading Derren Brown's Tricks of the Mind, and I'm finding it thoroughly entertaining. In particular, I can happily relate to his use of overly verbose lexis, for example whilst many may opt to use the phrase 'never judge a book by its cover', Derren chooses the much more elegant phrasing of:
"Never one to arrive at an acumen regarding a set of printed pages bound along one side, based purely upon my discernment of its sheathing."

Regarding The Blokes, we are currently in the process of recording Soma, meanwhile Reptilia is sitting on the back burner, until we can all play it (until I can play it...)

Oh and my MacBook Pro has finally broken and refuses to turn on; if it was a person it would say something like:

Oh hi there!
Would you like to see my BIOS, just press my buttons if you would ;)
Sorry there seems to be a problem with Windows (how very odd), would 
you like to start Windows in 'safe mode'?
No? Okay, here we go then..
I'm loading windows for you, watch me go!
Look at my loading bar racing away, can you count how many times it 
loads?
OH FUCK! OH FUCK! OH FUCK!
THERE'S BEEN A PROBLEM, LOOK AT ME, I'VE TURNED ALL BLUE!!!!
HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP HELP HELP HELP!!!
*DIES*

 So yeah, I'll have to get another of those sometime. 

 I think there was one more thing... Ummm... What was it?... 

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Bargain

He pays the price
For something nice
The price is that
The product asks
And yet
As though he's peering
Through a mask
It seems to him
Not too great
A task
Held within his
Hands at last

The imagery created by the word 'mask' demonstrates how often the 'ends' far outweigh the 'means' in importance and the individual is blind to the downfalls of any such 'means' . Could this poem be inspired by the fact the author just bought a Bon Iver ticket?

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Helplessness Blues Helps Me To Muse

Well, this week has been exponentially longer than most other weeks I have experienced in my lifetime. I think this is largely because coursework has a way of stretching the confines of time until they are warped out of all proportion, and partly because if coffee is the new sleep then it stands to reason that being awake is the new being asleep.

Anyway, literally some of my coursework has been done, so I'm now kicking back to some incredible music, in the sun. Prey tell me, what would this incredible music be?! Why, it's Fleet Foxes of course! Helplessness Blues is infallibly good, and just as Fleet Foxes self-titled album proved to be, I for one am sure this will prove to be an indefinitely good album. Here's a taster.

Beside the incredibility that is Fleet Foxes, I have spent a large amount of my week transporting one of these devices on my person. What/why/who? It's a tracking device. They offered me £15 (in vouchers). They are are MobiTest, and they want to know where I go, and how I get there. Not really sure why...

Also in the news, dominoes are fucking amazing (not that I have the patience for them myself).

Oh yeah, and there will be some new Blokes very soon, stay tuned for that. Let's just say it's gonna be Jurassic?..

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Bigger And Better

I'm reading a book at the moment called One Red Paperclip, written by this guy called Kyle MacDonald. It's quite entertaining really, not to say a tad impressive. Essentially Mr MacDonald found himself in a bit of an economic pickle so he undertook a series of transactions as part of a once-childhood game entitled 'Bigger And Better', in which he swapped a single red paper clip for a pen shaped like a fish, and then a doorknob, and then a cooking stove... You get the idea, until he ended up with a house. Now, I like concept of swapping a bent piece of galvanised steel for a few hundred tons of bricks and mortar, and it got me thinking, what would I swap? Well, I've decided the thing I'd most like to swap is our Prime Minister; Mr David Hug-A-Hoody Cameron (or whatever he refers to himself as these days).
What would I swap him for you ask? Well Obama of course! Now I'm not saying Obama is perfect; he chose to be American President after all... Which normally ends badly in most situations, BUT he is a damn sight better than old Wank-A-Banker Cameron ("What's that Mr Barclays, you only received a bonus of 6.5 million pounds! Oh well let's see if we can get rid of that nasty corporation tax, shall we?" Mr Barclays: "right you are, I think someone's going find themselves rather popular round here Dave *wink, wink* You sure you don't mind"? Cameron: Oh no, no, fairs fair, besides, I hear the students have a bit of surplus cash kicking around, don't want them become all corrupted with power, do we? *wink*).

Anyway, I would swap Cameron for Obama because:
Obama likes the NHS
Obama sticks to his word - he said he would eradicate Osama bin Laden and he did (I'm not saying whether that was a good thing, I for one am a bit on edge about the whole thing...)
And finally, Obama simply is much cooler.

Monday, 2 May 2011

Procrastination: No. 1

I think the title of this post has already made it abundantly clear what the content is likely to be about. But, I will say that what I'm doing right now - as I type this out - is surprisingly productive. The thing about attempting to work through huge steaming mounds of coursework is: it sounds like too much effort, it looks like too much effort, and it is too much effort. So by breaking up my working schedule into minuscule chunks of time, I can in fact work for much longer... Or at least appear to be working for much longer... which really is  waste of time. A productive waste of time perhaps? No. Definitely not. Well anyway, the main reason this post exist is because I'm trying to blog more regularly... An I'm procrastinating... And using far too many ellipses...

Anyway, what's been happening?

Well, I've been doing history coursework about Yasser Arafat's impact on the Arab-Israeli Conflict, which is interesting, but nevertheless effort. Basically Arafat was an Arab Nationalist responsible for leading the PLO (Palestinian Liberation Organization) against Israel's ever expanding empire (which is largely so because of the US). On the one hand he wanted peace... But at the same time, he wanted a revolution against Israel... You can probably see why there might be some conflict because of this.

On another note, I'm currently involved in a Strokes cover band entitled The Blokes, we've recording a version of Is This It. This Is It.

Right, time to procrastinate from blog writing by doing some work...

Saturday, 23 April 2011

The Alternative Vote

Well, I'm going to kick off with a poem I actually stole from my other blog - The Pope's Bollox - because I decided it was boarder line good:

If the Alternative Vote
Rocks your boat
This is probably a waste of time
But if you object
To this circumspect
Manner of voting who you don't hate best
Without a hope in hell
For as far
As I can tell
Whether you choose 'yes'
Or you choose 'no'
Nick Griffin's going to steal the show
It costs too much!
Soldiers will die!
Lies, Lies, Lies, LIES!
Nobody knows to vote 'yes' or 'no'
For Cameron and Clegg have muddled heads
One says 'no' the other says 'yes'
But clearly they both love the sex
In this relationship, made in hell
Neither can be trusted well
But to wipe the smile, from Cameron's face
Would make a fine end to the race
So vote for 'yes', if you choose to cast
Cos who doesn't love Cameron finishing last?

I mean let's face it: AV is really incredibly, needlessly confusing, and what with the constant to-ing-and-fro-ing between parties all claiming that AV will bring the country to it's knees before the BNP, whilst simultaneously saving our nation from the grasp of Nick Griffin, it really isn't clear if it's a good idea or not. So my advice would be to:
A. Vote 'Yes'
B. Vote 'No'
C. Flip a coin
Because really, whatever system we have, some people are still going to vote for horrible, misguided parties (just look at our current set up), and if minority extremist parties do get seats they will be held entirely accountable for their actions and challenged as and when needed... But maybe vote 'yes' just to be on the safe side... Or 'no'....

Blogging is quite a lot of effort isn't it? I mean not real effort like trying to explain exactly what it is that happens in Inception, or lugging a shopping trolley full of festival gear up a hill (down a hill). But it is undeniably a quite significant amount of effort. Perhaps if you have no standards and just write whatever the fuck you feel like it's much easier, but I do have standards... Or I did... I used to reserve space on this blog to high-brow musings about everyday occurrences, but gradually I feel I am slipping into the void f the common-all-garden blogger... god (yes, small 'g' even though it's the beginning of a sentence) I sound so pretentious....

Anyway, what's new?

I'm in Wales: it is full of sheep. And hills. There's also some sea; which is nice. 

Music: is good - particularly at the moment:  Ham Sandwhich (actually quite good); The Vaccines (whom I'm listening to whilst writing this, and are obviously excellent); Unoumedude (took me a while to work out how to say the name: 'U NO U O ME DUDE').

Right, well I can't be bothered to 'blog' anything else here, so I'm going to go and write some bollox poetry instead: because that's easy.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Bean a while

Well, it's been a while since I wrote anything here, most of you probably suspect I've ODd on coffee, but all is well. I'm but no means cured of my caffeine addiction and I muse no less than I used to; I just don't have the thimbleful of effort required to type stuff here on a regular basis. Maybe I'll make a point of writing more posts. One a day? No. One every other day? Certainly not. One a week perhaps? Maybe.
Anyway, if you've come in hope of some musings, I would hate to disappoint, so:

Coffee is the new sleep: he who said 8 hours is recommended was clearly deluded, you simply cannot waste that much time sleeping every day. 8 is great, but 5 hours and a tankard of coffee will see you through the day. But, be warned: the Coffee-Comedown is a grave thing, I'm talking shivers, shakes, dizziness, and the sensation you're falling from your coffee cloud in the sky to the harsh pavement of reality. The best solution? Ease yourself down with a cuppa. Tea that is.

Also in the news:

The Strokes: are incredible. Apart from Angles. That's shit.

The Beach is an oddly addictive book: featuring a backpacker and a Scottish guy, all that really occurs is that a beach is discovered by the backpacker - who is given a map by a Scottish bloke. Some people live on the beach. The back backer becomes part of their community. Everyone gets high.

And finally: I've started a new blog www.bolloxpoetry.blogspot.com devoted to the art of pretentious, self-important poetry. It's excellent.

Right, time to put the kettle on.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Abormal proportion

The thing about having massive hands is: handling small objects is a physical impossibility, gloves often leave one's wrists exposed, and said sub-limbs are prone to becoming lodged in many items of apparatus designed for the small handed user: mug handles, scissors, tubes of full of a certain reconstituted-potato delicacy.


I can, of course see the advantages - the ability to measure horses is greatly bettered, they are a useful give away when identifying woman dressed as men, and there is the never ending usefulness of being able to transport vast quantities of materiality from one place to another.


In simpler times, times when you could top your neighbour for stealing your crockery or glancing at your wife, large hands must have proved rather handy in commanding cooperation. A punch with a big fist will sooner have your opponent succumbing to a grizzly end, than one with a petite paw. But what are the implications for the operator of a large hand? Well, for one thing more energy will be used both in transporting the fleshy accessory and in commissioning it for use. For another, the hand in question will accelerate slower and thus be un-nimble and of little use when battling ninjas. Pirates on the other hand are a different story, one where a large appendage at the end of one's harm will prove priceless in not only clasping a sword with great vigour, but making a brisk get away in the elegant style of a flapped amphibian, should things go a little askew.


So, on the one hand, a large counterpart to the feat, present at the wrist, can prove rather handy, as we have seen is the case for those people whom live in utterly lawless societies where casual slaughter with the fist over minor misunderstandings is commonplace, or for the large-handed individual who encounters pirates.
On the other hand, such disproportionate members of one's person can prove clumsy, impractical and of little use in warding off ninjas. So in balance, its a matter of lifestyle that dictates the suitability of capacious metacarpus, but as a general rule of thumb, size does matter.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Would sir care for some cliché political satire?

Cameron and Clegg split

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced today that things are over between himself and Deputy PM, Nick Clegg. The shocking news follows Mr Cameron's claims that “things just weren't working out... I went into government with the intention of defeating my rivals, not joining them”.

Mr Clegg's departure is likely to cause great discontent amongst Liberal politicians in the coalition, who saw Clegg as “a way into the Conservative Party, without becoming a Tory”.
Clegg himself has commented that “I will sorely miss David, but I guess some things just aren't meant to be”

Rumours regarding Mr Clegg's departure are abundant, but a reliable back-bench politician has revealed that “Nick and David were having problems, there was a real breakdown in communication toward the end, they just had different interests” one source has revealed that “they even slept in different bedrooms”.

Quite what effect this is to have on the coalition is yet uncertain, but one political analyst has forecast “a total collapse of civilisation”. Aside from this, it is widely accepted that the coalition will reform to become the Cameron-Conservative Coalition, a bold new partnership that will couple Mr Cameron's love of power with the values of the Conservative Party, in a manner which ensures the PM “the same level of political obscurity as communist China, whilst ensuring I can still go fox hunting with the chaps on a Sunday”. Under the CCC Britain will be removed from the EU and will cut all links with the US and Europe, in an attempt to return Britain to “the Glory Days”. Cameron has assured the press that “the squeezed upper class will be returned to their rightful place in the Sun; standing proud on the backs of the starving working class”.

Nicknamed Cameron's “Bigger is Better” society, changes are expected to take place as soon as Mr Clegg has vacated Downing Street.
The Prime Minister is insistant that “just because Nick and I are no longer together, doesn't mean we can't remain friends”.