Friday, 25 February 2011

Abormal proportion

The thing about having massive hands is: handling small objects is a physical impossibility, gloves often leave one's wrists exposed, and said sub-limbs are prone to becoming lodged in many items of apparatus designed for the small handed user: mug handles, scissors, tubes of full of a certain reconstituted-potato delicacy.


I can, of course see the advantages - the ability to measure horses is greatly bettered, they are a useful give away when identifying woman dressed as men, and there is the never ending usefulness of being able to transport vast quantities of materiality from one place to another.


In simpler times, times when you could top your neighbour for stealing your crockery or glancing at your wife, large hands must have proved rather handy in commanding cooperation. A punch with a big fist will sooner have your opponent succumbing to a grizzly end, than one with a petite paw. But what are the implications for the operator of a large hand? Well, for one thing more energy will be used both in transporting the fleshy accessory and in commissioning it for use. For another, the hand in question will accelerate slower and thus be un-nimble and of little use when battling ninjas. Pirates on the other hand are a different story, one where a large appendage at the end of one's harm will prove priceless in not only clasping a sword with great vigour, but making a brisk get away in the elegant style of a flapped amphibian, should things go a little askew.


So, on the one hand, a large counterpart to the feat, present at the wrist, can prove rather handy, as we have seen is the case for those people whom live in utterly lawless societies where casual slaughter with the fist over minor misunderstandings is commonplace, or for the large-handed individual who encounters pirates.
On the other hand, such disproportionate members of one's person can prove clumsy, impractical and of little use in warding off ninjas. So in balance, its a matter of lifestyle that dictates the suitability of capacious metacarpus, but as a general rule of thumb, size does matter.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Would sir care for some cliché political satire?

Cameron and Clegg split

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced today that things are over between himself and Deputy PM, Nick Clegg. The shocking news follows Mr Cameron's claims that “things just weren't working out... I went into government with the intention of defeating my rivals, not joining them”.

Mr Clegg's departure is likely to cause great discontent amongst Liberal politicians in the coalition, who saw Clegg as “a way into the Conservative Party, without becoming a Tory”.
Clegg himself has commented that “I will sorely miss David, but I guess some things just aren't meant to be”

Rumours regarding Mr Clegg's departure are abundant, but a reliable back-bench politician has revealed that “Nick and David were having problems, there was a real breakdown in communication toward the end, they just had different interests” one source has revealed that “they even slept in different bedrooms”.

Quite what effect this is to have on the coalition is yet uncertain, but one political analyst has forecast “a total collapse of civilisation”. Aside from this, it is widely accepted that the coalition will reform to become the Cameron-Conservative Coalition, a bold new partnership that will couple Mr Cameron's love of power with the values of the Conservative Party, in a manner which ensures the PM “the same level of political obscurity as communist China, whilst ensuring I can still go fox hunting with the chaps on a Sunday”. Under the CCC Britain will be removed from the EU and will cut all links with the US and Europe, in an attempt to return Britain to “the Glory Days”. Cameron has assured the press that “the squeezed upper class will be returned to their rightful place in the Sun; standing proud on the backs of the starving working class”.

Nicknamed Cameron's “Bigger is Better” society, changes are expected to take place as soon as Mr Clegg has vacated Downing Street.
The Prime Minister is insistant that “just because Nick and I are no longer together, doesn't mean we can't remain friends”.